Time for a confessional… ahem…
*squirms in seat
At this very moment it’s 9:12 pm on July 8, 2019. The last time I posted anything on the Posterity Quilt Co. blog was January 12, 2019. People, that’s a time lapse of 6 months, 4 days! That's insane! That’s not how you run a successful blog. That’s not how you run a regular blog. That’s when you sit yourself down in front of a mirror and really look yourself in the eye and assess your life. So here it goes.
But seriously, it gets a little dark.
Baby number 4 (I’ve decided to nickname him the Prime Minister on the blog, the PM for short) just had his first birthday exactly a month ago. I unintentionally tapered off the blog for a while right around the time of his birth. He put me on bed rest for a few weeks before his birth and that new born period is always a whirlwind. But his birth was different than the other three. I have never dealt with postpartum depression before and holy spumoni it’s no joke. Anything beyond changing the PM’s and Little Man’s diapers was exhausting. Everyday was an emotional roller coaster, I was swinging from euphoric highs to suicidal lows with the blink of an eye. I never actually attempted suicide, but I had chosen a method and a place. No one knew how bad it was, but it was bad. There was no time or energy for blogging let alone quilting.
Pro-Tip: when OBGYN’s ask questions about postpartum mental health, they’re serious and you should be too. The baby blues aren’t just about feeling mopey and sad that your pre-baby body didn’t snap back into place. It’s a chemical and hormonal change continually taking place in your brain. Seriously ladies, if you need help, get help. Easier said than done, I know, but it really is that simple.
And right around the time when the PM was seven months old I finally started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My emotions were leveling out, the depression was lifting, and I felt and acted more like myself. For a few blissful months things were good. I was healthy, the kids were growing like weeds, and Handsomepants was burning out at work. So we decided we needed to move back to Wisconsin to be closer to family. We also liked the housing prices in WI much better than here in the Denver area, especially since we’re going to need a new house sometime around November because, (SURPRISE!) Handsomepants knocked me up again! (Yes I know what causes that, because clearly we’re very good at it; yes, we were preventing; yes, he had scheduled a vasectomy, it just hadn’t happened yet; and yes, I had just gotten rid of ALL the baby things.) We had even visited WI to watch my sister graduate law school and so Handsomepants could interview at a few places. Things were good, life was moving forward.
Until it stopped.
Then May 7, 2019 happened. That’s the day that two students decided to walk into the STEM School in Highlands Ranch, CO and open fire on classmates, injuring 8 and killing 1. Goose goes to STEM, she was in first grade this year. If you are a parent of a child who’s experienced a school shooting, you’ll understand. Life stands still for those hours of unknown, and once your child is back in your arms all you can do is cuddle on the couch for days afterwards because the idea of leaving her alone for even a second never crosses your mind. A kind of fog descends over the whole household and even though you’re thankful for the safety of your child, life just seems harder for no real explicable reason.
Goose was safe, the armed security guards at the school ensured the elementary and middle school wings were secured before they finished doing their jobs, and I thank God for them. But it took weeks for Goose to go back and finish out the school year. She knows what happened and her teacher Mrs. Jimenez was a true blessing, working hard to make sure that her students were safe and comfortable in school once again.
But for the summer we’ve shut down. No swimming lessons, no soccer practice, no commitments made more than 2 days ahead of time. This summer we play everyday by ear and just be with one another. Shutting down has been the best decision I’ve ever made for our family so far. There is no stress for me or Handsomepants beyond the WI job search. There is no stress for the kids beyond choosing between the slip and slide or a bike ride.
And the best part is that we’re finally all healthy again. No panic attacks or tearful fits. No more questions and conversations with Goose about things she is clearly to young to have to be discussing. We’ve come to peace with our lot, and are moving forward again.
So what’s next for us?
Handsomepants is still on the hunt for a job in WI. We both really thought he had landed a position about a month ago, and I preemptively started backing the house. He didn’t get the job so we’re living in limbo with a half packed house.
Goose is back to her silly self and looking forward to her seventh birthday next week. She’ll be returning to STEM next year if we have not moved to WI before the fall.
I’m relaxed and benefiting from that second-trimester energy. Baby is active and I’m looking forward to his arrival in November (PS. we found out the gender this time, it’s a boy! And yes, we are definitely done after this one!) I’ve used these last couple of weeks to to something I should have done a long time ago and that’s reconnect with God. I’ve reestablished quiet times and prayer times with Him. I’ve truly come to peace with the truth that at every turn I have to entrust my children into His care, and I am now fully aware of just how sacrificial that display of trust can be.
I’ve also been busting my butt to relaunch the Posterity Quilt Co. blog. I plan on finishing the 1930’s Farmer’s Wife QAL, despite it having died a rather ignominious death. There will be new quilts up for show once I have those posts finished, and I’m planning on participating in some other QAL’s hosted by some other wonderful ladies later this year, so stay tuned for those.
Happy Quilting Once Again!